“Praying for a miscarriage”


“The entire time I was pregnant I was praying for a miscarriage and it just never happened”


This is a quote from the mother of a beautiful 3 month old baby boy who is currently in my job readiness training program.  This mother is under 21 years old and says she would like to smile, like her child, but simply has no reason to smile.  She states the family and support network around her assisting her with her son does as little as possible and talks negatively to her the entire time.  She hates her current situation of being unemployed and searching for work in the Atlanta area.  Throw in the not having her own vehicle in an area where you MUST have a car and things get even more frustrating. 

The sad & frustrating part of this story is I hear this everyday from several of my participants and in speaking to them about their childhood I find a recurring theme.  The lack of a good relationship with their mother.  On the day the above quote was delivered, every woman in the session shared how they wished their mother had spent more time with them growing up.  Each shared what they remembered about their mother and the theme was the same in each home. “My mother worked all the time and never spent anytime with us.”

The room is often filled with a cloud of low self-esteem, which often brings forth tears of rain when they speak of the men in their lives.  When I ask the question, “How are your relationships with the men in your life?” they respond with something related to an ex-husband/boyfriend.  Why is it that their first response in most of these conversations is NEVER about their father?

I recently read an article on a book I must obtain this week.  The Social Animal: The Hidden Sources of Love, Character and Achievement by David Brooks.  He says, “We’re not rational animals, or laboring animals; we’re social animals. We emerge out of relationships and live to bond with each other and connect to larger ideas.”

I also saw an interview on Good Morning America where he spoke about the number of words that are spoken to a child and how this impacts the life and ability of the child to be successful and productive in life. 

My questions:
1. If you are a mother and working all the time and every little girl in your area is spending more time with their parents (in dialogue) than your beautiful little girl how will her ability to emerge out of her surroundings end?

2. If you are a father and not around or just not ‘in tune’ with the needs of your children are you preparing your beautiful little girl for an easy time with the next man they encounter?

I know what I feel is missing in the lives of the young in our community, but I would like to hear from you.

What in your opinion is happening in the AA community and what is needed to stop the bleeding?

Thanks in advance for sharing your thoughts



About offdachainandouttadabox

We are a married couple of 2 with 4 beautiful, smart children, who after 15 years of marriage have decided to join the blog world with a blog that will allow us to present what may be considered to many to be offdachainandouttadabox as it pertains to the areas of marriage, parenting, finances and health & wellness. The offdachain husband will also, against the wishes of his wife, (hence off the chain) post on other subjects from time to time.

7 responses »

  1. I am a Single Mom that is very busy with maintaining my own business, working a 9 to 5 job and Family. I make sure at least once a week I take my daughter on a date. It has become something that we look forward too. She talks to me about whats going on in her life and I give her advice and share experiences with her. My mom did things with us but was never present. So as a Mom I work on being present in my daughter’s life.

    Thanks for the blog post.

    • I LOVE THE DATES WITH DAUGHTER & MOM! I think they work great! The conversations are very important and it is great to see that you realize that. Tamara IT CAN BE DONE! My mother was a single mom and raised a girl & boy who both graduated from college and are married with children. Stay in touch and I will be checking with you later. Also, you may want to target someone you love, who also loves your daughter, to take your daughter out. A male so she can have dates with someone who can show her how a real Godly man should treat you.

      Congratulations on being present…ON PURPOSE!


  2. WOW! It is definitely a circle of how girls can end up with the low self-esteem.
    1 major problem starts with too many GIRLS are having sex…getting pregnant. I KNOW abstinence is such an ancient idea.
    My mom worked all of the time but had no choice being a single parent. I surely don’t blame parents for working b/c you gotta do what you gotta do & if your skill set isn’t one that allows 8-5, then you may work in a 362/day a year industry & miss games/plays/etc…Spend the time you have off with the kids my mom did. Don’t make them feel like it’s their fault you work so much “well if I didn’t have to provide for you I wouldn’t work so much” type attitude. And even in call centers & factories they offer vacation days spend them with your kids…
    Won’t solve everything but this will surely help

    • You are sooo right Ayesha! More than anything else our children need our TIME! Tired or not! And yes, SEX is a HUGE issue but that is how it manifest. It starts from something else that is missing and that is how TV/INTERNET tells us to fill the void.

      Thanks and come back often…one day I will make it to Greensboro to speak and get to meet you in person(I think that is where you are)

  3. Wow… Michael J. Covin, The title of this blog post made me stop what I was doing and read immediately. This is such a sad state of emotion for one to be in. I had/have such a great realationship with my mother, and although she did work part-time from time to time and later full-time once we were a bit older. I don’t ever remember having to feel like I wish she spent more time with us. I can remember her being at all my games, taking me special places, working on special projects even making my favorite meal. She never once was too busy , she let us know from start that we would always come first that no job or person would ever get in the way.
    I guess we were blessed in a way to have a mother that was willing and able to be there for us. It makes me feel sad for people who have never experienced such a lovely feeling that they are now in a place where they will more than likely have their own children feeling the same.

    • Great! The title worked and I am glad you shared your story. It let’s us know that with the proper TIME INVESTMENT we will turn out great just like Daphne!

      Don’t make me write another title that makes you stop in your tracks to stop by and hang out with us!


  4. My husband has three daughters from his first “marriage”, the youngest of which he barely knows since he left the family within a week of her conception. It always bothered me that he never called his kids on their birthdays, or even to just say hello. I was particularly disturbed that he didn’t make an effort to reach out to his daughters. I told him “I grew up with my dad in the house, and I still felt unappreciated most times. What negative impact do you think your absence is going to have on them? Well, I can guess. Unless they learn to value themselves for themselves, they will hook onto the first man who pays them any positive attention.” It’s VERY common for Paraguayan girls as young as 13 to hook up with men 10 or even 20 years their senior! (Traditional Paraguayan culture considers girls women at age 15) The majority of V’s daughters’ cousins had babies before age 15.
    Two of the girls came to live with us when they were 10 and 11. I wanted them to have the same opportunities that their American born brothers had, and to teach them that they had worth and potential beyond their projected lot as poor single mothers. Obstensibly, my plan was also to encourage V to strengthen his reationship with his daughters. I fet that it was lacking, and that this would have detrimental impact on the girs. He was self-conscious and ashamed of his past non-relationship with them and this compromised his ability to reach out to them. No, I take that back since that is my own perception. Paraguayan men aren’t terribly openy affectionate with their kids. V felt that he was “taking care” of his girls because he had provided for them financially since they were born, and after he left their family, and that was enough. Turns out, it wasn’t. The oldest daughter, F, hit puberty while she was here, and I could see from her actions around boys at school and in the neighborhood that she was headed towards “hootchiville” unless I cracked her back hard. She carved a boy’s initial in her arm with an X-cto knife when she was 13 because she was “in love”. I sent the girls back to their mother soon after that. Now she is the mother of a one year old son, having left school at 16, pregnant. She lives with the father of the baby, who works on a ranch. Her younger sister has a little more sense, and has left the barrio to work and continue her schooling.

    I wonder if F would have made the same decision if their relationship with their dad had been stronger, or if she lived in an environment where teenage motherhood wasn’t so common and accepted. Her mother was a mom at 18, having only finished a 3rd grade education, and being a hairdresser or domestic servant was the highest they could aspire to careerwise in their social class. Now she’s a gramma at 45, and F has joined the ranks of the low income motherhood.

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