Welcome to the Confession Series of Offdachainandouttadabox. This is a series where we will share some of our intimate details about our past and some of the challenges we have overcome on our way to where we are today. The place where we consider to still be a growth period but miles and miles ahead of where we were when we met over 25 years ago.
We recently wrote our most popular post in the history of Offdachainandouttadabox(via hits and comments) and it challenged how most of us think as it pertains to marriage/relationships. I wanted to take the first Confession Series post to share why I am sooo passionate about some of my views. So in order to understand this you must first understand who I am today vs. my early years. This, I believe, will allow the world to understand why my reactions are so quick to tell someone to “get married or get out” when I hear some of the relationship stories of today.
I would like to not only confess to the world but apologize for the lives of women that I messed up. I was a male who could see a cute female with low self-esteem coming 4 blocks away. However, at the time I did not realize that I suffered from low-self esteem as well. During this confession I will save the partially innocent(because they were grown and have to own their choices as well) from telling their names to the world but will share the stories and hopefully some of you will learn from these past mistakes.
There is a woman who for nine years thought she was going to actually be with me. My words never told her this but my actions told her this. I never actually said those words but my actions totally led her to believe that we would one day be together. The day we met I told her that I was not a good guy to get involved with but the way I presented it…was a line….and she bought it. So for the next nine years of her life she sat around wondering what I was doing and who I was with while making a choice to only be HAPPY when I had the time to be with her and as far as I was concerned we were ‘FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS’ So from this I totally understand the topic of ‘Soul Ties’ and how once you cross a line that is only meant for marriage you are totally confused, think your in love and it is actually lust. So today she is not married and well past the age I was when I decided to marry. She also does not have any kids and I am sure the desire is there, but she wasted years going after something that just a distraction and not a fact. This relationship is why I always tell women to gauge the man by his actions and NOT what is coming out of his mouth because 9 out of 10 times those will be totally different.
Believe it or not…before i got married to my beautiful/lovely wife I was engaged to someone else. Yes, ODC had a Fee-aun-ce’ and it gets even better. We shacked up! Yep, we lived together just like some of you before we were ever married. And you guessed it. We never got married! WHEW! I escaped! Just in the nick of time too! First, I got with her for the wrong reasons and secondly, we had nooooo business living together. We were playing house and wondering why we had issues. You know…like some of you are doing as you are reading this. It is so funny how we wonder to ourselves…”How did I get in this mess?” And then you hear a whisper say, “You created it!”
So for a couple of years I threatened to leave and did not and finally I made a decision to leave and in order to really get out of the relationship I had to move 1,200 miles away. See when you have ‘Soul Ties’ involved you can not just move down the street and get out of the relationship. You need to RUN! And that is biblical.
I went to two different colleges and while away at one school I dated a young lady for a couple of years and really enjoyed hanging out with her. I went 2 hours away with her to her house and met her parents and even went to the family reunion. WOW! Because for me it was nothing serious…or so I thought. Since sex was nothing serious to me I figured I would just sleep with her until I got an attitude or she got an attitude with me and we decided to stop having sex on a regular basis and then just have sex once in a while. (Isn’t that how most relationships work?…Or was that just me?) I know it was not just me. So… this young lady did some modeling and I liked the way that sounded so I made her my girl…Dumb right, but in those days of being a Div. I college football player it sounded good. I know with the ratings of RHOA and BBW’s you all understand what I am saying. (You are watching…because I see the ratings) I totally understand how someone could date Halle Berry and end up married and not really like her as a wife. The pressure we received from our uneducated/unChristlike friends is overwhelming at times. The funny thing is she ended up marrying her high school sweetheart just like I did and I am very happy for them. The only thing I think about is if we had all been smarter we could have saved ourselves some consequences and heartaches along the way. But at that time there was no Offdachainandouttadabox to expose us to a better way to live, but we were going to church(only if we were studying for ourselves)
My badge of honor in my younger days was taking a girls virginity. I would tell my boys. “If she is not a virgin, I don’t want to talk to her.” So I messed up more lives because you know how we cling to the person that was able to accomplish this task. Today, I look at the young lady I grew up with and how we were intimate at the ages of 14 & 15 years old. How much of our lives did we miss out on because our focus was on a ‘COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP.’ WOW! It hurts to even type this stuff. I was a mess and damaged her forever. Today I realize how challenging it is to be married and it is a daily commitment…something a child knows absolutely nothing about and should not be concerned with learning. Sex has our society missing out on life. If I could have this time back I would not have sex until I was married for sure and just think. If I was a virgin I really would have been a HOT ITEM and I would have been more advanced mentally!
I will not bore you any longer with how stupid I was at a much younger age than I am today. I just wanted to share some of my story so you would be able to understand how I react/respond to different situations. The relationships I had before marriage was like dumb and dumber….much like some of you are having currently and you are grown. I would just like to know what’s your excuse for continuing to do the same stuff expecting a different result.? Are you having sex outside of marriage and thinking you are in love.
I spoke to a young lady in my training program and she told me she had 4 children, but 3 were by her Fee-aun-ce’. (I guess this made it okay…in her eyes) So then I asked her when they were getting married and she told me she did not know if marriage was right for them.
My question is this: How many children do you need to bring into this world before you figure that out?
Now I wanted to present parts of my story to 1. Let you know who I was before Christ and marriage and 2. To apologize to the world and 3. To let women know that most of your problems were created by men!
I believe that MEN are at fault. I believe that women are working outside the home because we paint a picture that it’s a good thing and you can gain your independence…SO WE DON’T HAVE TO STEP UP OUR GAME!
I believe that MEN are at fault for women believing that breast feeding is to hard and should not fight to do what is best for our children so they don’t push to a successful resolution but allow for our women to use
poison formula to feed our children…but the benefit is we get our goodies back.
I believe that MEN are at fault for women walking around with low self-esteem to the point where they are in the arms of other women. Now this is on a couple of levels. Fathersless homes and stupid boyfriends, like myself, partner to create this outcome. People want love and don’t care where it comes from at a certain point.
I believe that MEN are at fault for allowing the man who has 3 children to live with his Fee-aun-ce’ and not challenge him to step up and MARRY THE WOMAN! This is a big challenge in our community but we all know why it happens. It happens because if the friend is going to issue a challenge to step up then I must also turn and MARRY MY baby’s momma! (So we just keep our mouths shut…and our community suffers)
I remember a line my pastor said, “We are all just one decision away from being the same old person.” I hear his voice saying this to me daily and it has helped me out of some almost sticky situations.
I just wish some of the Pastors of today would hear his voice. The challenge is they don’t hear his voice and that is MY FAULT as well. The men are unable to hear his voice because WE(the men) have all left our homes and they are only accustomed to hearing a female voice and the men who have stayed in the home are absent.
I want to apologize for all of us. It is MY FAULT!
It is my fault but I will not allow all the mistruths to continue to infect our society without a fight. So I apologize for my mistakes that are now history!! And I will continue my journey to raise ALL VIRGIN CHILDREN regardless of my past mistakes and to those of you who said, “How you were brought up was good enough for you and I turned out okay.”
UHHHHHHH! NO! I did not and every single day I will fight to be better and I will fight to expose the ignorance of those that have not grown to understand that their ways are not HIS WAYS.
In closing, I am working on my presentation. So if I have said something that offended you in the past, I apologize. If I have done something that offended you, I apologize.
Know that I love you and want the best for you and your family and know that if we are going to get it…we are going to have to fight to obtain the results we desire.
1. We may have to turn off the TV
2. We may have to save money monthly
3. We may have to stop cheating on our wives/husbands
4. We may have to marry our baby mama/baby daddy
5. We may have to focus on our career and not a sexual partner
6. We may have to exercise
7. We may have to have dates with our children(one at a time) to show them what right looks like
8. We may have to read books like “The Princess and the Kiss” to our children every night for 18 years(Thanks to John Ballinger)
9. We may have to tell our children it is not impossible to get married a virgin(regardless of what blackandmarriedwithkids says)
10. We may have to hang with brothers that will challenge our moves and not ones that will just sign off
11. We may have to go to a church that will not allow the Bishop to settle out of court and not take responsibility PUBLICLY
12. We may have to deal with being called WHITE or THE COSBY’S
13. We may have to miss the superbowl for a dance competition
14. We may have to downsize our home move from DC to ATL so our wives can stay home
15. We may have to read blogs like http://www.offdachainandouttadabox.wordpress.com that will challenge our thinking in a way that we have never been challenged
16. We may have to make a decision to serve our spouse in order to change how our marriage works
17. We may have to take a look back at our childhood and OWN OUR CHOICES!!! (THIS IS THE WAY WE MOVE FORWARD)
I HAVE DONE IT…HERE IS MY CONFESSION AND I APOLOGIZE FOR BEING PART OF THE PROBLEM IN THE PAST…BUT TODAY AND EVERYDAY MOVING FORWARD I AND MY FAMILY ARE PART OF THE SOLUTION.