Tag Archives: motherhood

Fortyhood: Biopsies and Babies?!?!

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images“Triple Knee”….”Over the top”….”Reverse Turn”. On this particular Saturday morning, I was finding it difficult to keep up mentally AND physically in my favorite class, one that I have been taking for over 16 years. This usually only happens under one condition. No, surely that’s not what it is. I had a wacky cycle last month; 2 in one month, 11 days apart. Surely I was headed towards the big M. That’s what I had decided was the reason for my late cycle.

“If you just listen to the beat”, someone in the class, seeing my confusion, offered, in an attempt to help me. In my bewilderment, I tell a complete stranger, “I think I’m pregnant!” I’m sure it caught her off guard, lol! She tells me maybe it’s just my period about to start, and I struggle through the rest of class.

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I originally started this blog post on 5/26 and today is 9/28. I honestly don’t even have the mental space to make this post the literary masterpiece I wanted it to be, lol! Yes, I was indeed pregnant and 2 days after confirming the pregnancy, my mammogram came back abnormal. Talk about stressed and anxious?!?!? I had a biopsy and thankfully the mass was benign, and unfortunately, the pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, my 3rd in a row.

Sharing such personal stories, open you up for so much judgement; “How old is she?”, “Don’t they know what causes that?”, “Don’t they already have FOUR children?!?!?”, but I have decided in spite of what others think, (and yes, I’m totally aware and informed of the ‘risks’ that come with ‘advanced maternal age’) we travel the road less traveled, thus ‘Offdachain and Outtadabox’.

When faced with breast cancer and a baby, you start to realize that some things are totally out of your control. I have decided that there are far worse things than being judged for my lack of birth control, like death!

I was inspired to complete this post after being invited to a couple’s party last night who had never met us,but read the blog. We had a wonderful time, rapping all the old school hip-hop songs, lol! They kept commenting on how much they enjoyed the blog. It has been forever since we posted, and as you will soon see, so much has been going in our lives. I’m never ashamed or embarrassed to share our lows, because I know it’s not our final destination.

I hope that my transparency will help someone to stop allowing the culture to dictate your choices and maybe stop someone from judging someone else’s (I’m a work in progress on this one).

More to come.

ODB

 

When “Best Man Holiday” Hits Home

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Sixty plus degrees..less than a week from Christmas… in DC? There was something distinctly surreal about that day. As I walked to the church (that fact that we lived so close, struck me as a bit odd) the warmth of the day and the bright sun in December, made each step forward even more unbelievable.

Our friendship was not born out of the fun of college experiences like the blockbuster hit, Best Man Holiday, but through navigating our new lives as young families. I was on maternity leave after having G1 and my esthetician/friend Germaine, told me about Mocha Moms. I attended my first meeting when G1 was 3 months old and 12+ years later, I am still a member and credit my early years with Mocha Moms for giving me my ‘Mommy Roots’. At the anchor of these roots is the Utsey family.

As a young, African American, professional, married woman, I had never been exposed to a group of people of color who were so…different. From discipline, to diet, I learned how to be open minded and explore ideas that were not necessarily the ‘norm’ in our culture. Monica Utsey, the Vice-President of the first chapter I belonged to, and then (and still) President of the second chapter I helped to charter (my first introduction to the term ‘crunchy granola’, lol!) led the way with many of the ‘unconventional’ approaches to family life.  Normal duration breastfeeding, attachment parenting, co-sleeping, alternative/natural remedies, stay-at-home moms, marriage support groups, my on and off again vegetarian eating :), homeschooling, natural/non-medicated births, natural hair, the importance of knowing more than Martin Luther King Jr. as it pertains to African history, and self-employment/entrepreneurism, were all values that were either supported by or in some cases introduced by the Utsey family. I would always say that we were a subculture of our community; it is where the concept  of ‘Off Da Chain and Outta Da Box’ was birthed.

When you live ‘against the grain’, it takes a special kind of man to have the confidence to respond to the critics and live life on your family’s terms. “Everyday I’m Hustling”, was the song that reminded the Pastor of Eric, Monica’s husband. Eric was time enough for anyone who wanted to challenge his family’s choices. He did what he had to do to support his family and provided the much needed ‘comic relief’ when he was around. Our marriage group was always live and poppin’ with the Utseys in attendance, lol! We all shared our stories with transparency and a deep desire to make our marriages work, but Monica and Eric always seemed to bring humor, even to the serious stuff.

It had been almost 6 years since Eric experienced a severe stroke. We were living in Georgia at the time and over the years, we stayed connected to the Utsey family and even visited Eric when he was in rehab (he was still able to tell me exactly how to get from NW DC to Potomac, MD lol!). Since returning to Georgia a few months ago, we had the honor of seeing Eric a few times, he had some physical limitations, but we all just knew that the worst was behind him and although it was a seemingly slow process, he was recovering. So it was shocking to me to get a call from a fellow Mocha Mom to tell me about his sudden passing, at the age of 47. Three days prior, Monica and I were planning to get together for a Yoga class and breakfast because I had reached out to her to share some of the challenges I was experiencing in relation to the loss of my mother (see previous post), something I knew she could relate to after recently losing her mom, grandmother, and grandfather, within months of each other. The weather was bad that day, so we decided to reschedule. After getting the call, almost immediately my own challenges took a back seat, and I set out to go see her.

As I sat in the church and remembered the little, rambuctious toddler and watched him basically officiate his father’s funeral with such maturity (he’s now 13) the tears wouldn’t stop (although there were some hilarious stories shared that did make me laugh…a lot, including all the Philly references, something Eric and I had in common.) I glanced around and saw mama after mama, some couples from our marriage group, and of course, the once babies, now big children that I was connected to primarily because of the Utsey family and the importance of them in my life just magnified. It wasn’t under the best circumstances, but it was a reunion none the less. The pastor (who was good friends with Eric) shared during the eulogy that Eric felt deserted after he had the stroke. Some friends didn’t come around anymore. We were reminded of Proverbs 17:17 “A friend loves at all times….” and challenged not to allow another friend to go through something without supporting them when they needed it most. ODC has done an awesome job of garnering financial support for the Utseys, and as a major beneficiary of their investment in community, I was compelled to share our connection. Over the past few years Monica has had more than her ‘fair share’ of challenges; the pre-mature delivery of her son Ayinde, Eric’s stroke, Zion’s car accident, the loss of her mother, grandmother and grandfather, and now this. I know that God will give her the strength to move her family forward, but as we approach Christmas Day, thank you to all who gave, and if you haven’t, would you please consider a gift to her as she now faces life as a widow with 2 young sons? Payments can be made via PayPal to motherjegna@msn.com. May Christ be lifted up during this time of year and the gift of hope and peace be given to the Utsey Family and us all.

ODB

A high school senior renewed my hope in the African-American Male!

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Who remembers the last week they spent in high school?  I sure do….Well kinda.  I remember thinking it was the last week for about the last 2 months and can remember that I really did “act a fool.”  I feel so sorry for high school teachers who only deal with seniors.

Well today I was blessed to be invited to a celebration reception in honor of a wonderful kid.  He is a graduating senior and is going off to college to play soccer and study art. He is also a member of an awesome family in our community that we are glad to be linked.   An African-American family that has both mom and dad TOTALLY in tune with what is going on with their children.  Involved with the school activities and TOTALLY ACTIVE in all aspects of raising their children.

I know…It does happen in our community….It just needs to happen more often, but I am always sure to keep my not pad when I visit their home.

He does not know it but I have watched him for years and see a lot of myself in him and am pretty excited with the possibilities he brings to the world.  It is not everyday that people are excited about an African-American male and positive future possibilities.

I mean with some of the recent challenges we have had with other young men his age in our communities, This young man is like a breath of fresh air.

Today also confirmed something for me as it pertains to his taste in women.  I met her.  She was his prom date and they are dating currently.  I had seen pictures of her on his moms Facebook page and immediately called and started asking questions.

His mom told me, “You would be so proud of my son for who he is seeing.” She described his friend and the wonderful family that she is a part of and I am not surprised at all.

Then I realized and had to share today that I met my wife when I was 15 and my ability to know what a great women is like came from watching my mother.  I took the information that was in the home with me growing up and knew in high school that my wife was WONDERFUL and actually told her before we left high school that I would marry her.

I was able to share with today that he too has a wonderful example in his home and to understand that because of his growing up in such an awesome home with parents, who are ‘in tune’ with his needs…He has been prepared for the next step.

Today I was able to share my family with my community and get together in celebration of a young African-American male!!!!

Thanks to a high school graduate and scholarship athlete for giving a man with 4 daughters renewed hope.

If you ever need anything from our family…you won’t have to call me.

I will be stopping by unannounced, because WE ARE FAMILY. 🙂

ODC